Before the Lights Go Out:11 Keys to Achieve Real Physical Intimacy by Quiniece Sheppard
Physical +emotional + spiritual connection=intimacy. Intimacy will stop the cycle of failed relationships. Intimacy is the answer to a long-lasting, healthy and fulfilled relationship with God, yourself and others.
Quiniece Sheppard
Quiniece Sheppard is the author of “The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins”, published in April 2009, co-author of an e-book anthology titled “Christmas is More than a Myth: There is a Reason for the Season, published as a free e-book in December 2010, author of an e-book titled “Walking the Path to Real Love: 12 Steps to Practicing Abstinence and Celibacy, published as a free e-book in January 2011 and author of “Before the Lights Go Out: 11 keys to Achieve Real Physical Intimacy published in June 2011.
Ms. Sheppard also established Chasing books Book Club in March 2011 for African American self -publishers and independent authors. Ms. Sheppard is founder/CEO of “I Am the Chase Ministries, LLC”: a single women’s ministry whose mission is to promote abstinence and celibacy. Ms. Sheppard wants to help every woman define and understand her self-worth and value so she can live out her purpose and destiny.
Ms. Sheppard has spoken at several women’s conferences, a parent-teen retreat speaking on abstinence, held her own seminar in September 2010 and held her first single women’s conference in April 2011. Ms. Sheppard currently resides in Alexandria, VA but frequently travels as a motivational speaker to deliver messages of inspiration, transformation and enlightenment to make a lasting impact to audiences everywhere. Ms. Sheppard speaks at workshops, conferences, seminars, book clubs, churches, youth groups and more. To contact Ms. Sheppard, please visit her website at www.iamthechase.com or www.chasingbooks.com for more information about her ministry and book club.
Time for a excerpt!
Before we get into the eleven principles, let’s first talk about intimacy because this
will help us put these principles into practice. What is intimacy? First, let’s take a closer
look at the word.In-ti-ma-cy translates to mean “in to me.”Do you see that? This is where
the person you’re dating is able to know your thoughts, feelings, goals, dreams, desires,
and so forth. In other words, he has an emotional and spiritual connection with you. Some
would say, “I’ve found my soul mate.” A soul mate is someone who you share
commonalities with and have the same beliefs and attitudes. Once you establish a mutual
liking towards one another, you are emotionally-bonded to the person you are “into” and
that emotional bonding attaches to your soul, thus forming a soul tie. Yes, we are going
to go there!
A marriage is a soul tie as the bible states that two shall become one. In other
words, two souls are linked together to become as one. Any relationships outside of
marriage, (fornication) and against God’s will (disobedience) is what I call an illegal soul
tie. Uh oh. It’s getting ready to get tight now. (I talk about illegal soul ties in my first
book, The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins) If God hasn’t put the two of you together, then
your relationship is illegal, meaning it is not ordained by God nor is itin His will. There
are so many relationships that are dissolving because people are tied to the wrong person.
Be careful who you link up to as linking up with the wrong person can break you
spiritually, emotionally and also physically.
Remember as children we played this game called Red Rover. There were two
teams comprised of ten or more people who would join hands, face each other and stand
in two lines. (This was played outdoors) Someone would go first and choose a person
who they thought was weak and fragile to charge through the opposite line from the one
you were standing in to break or separate those who were joined hands. You would say,
“red rover, red rover, send Tiffany right over”. Y’all remember that game? If you broke
through the joined hands in the circle, then those hands that you broke through were part
of your team. If you didn’t break through those hands that you tried to break through,
then they stayed in their line. You would do this until there were no more joined hands to
break through and there was a single line. Well, what’s my point? My point is that you
betta be locked or joined to another strong hand because if you aren’t, then the
relationship will break or fall apart. If you are connected to the right hand, then your
relationship will not be easily broken. As we go through this book, I hope you will shake
yourself loose from an illegal soul tie and allow God to tie you to the right one, which is
your soul mate. The tie has a knot in it, so you can’t easily take it apart. That’s the type
of relationship you should strive to obtain. Okay, we got a little sidetracked, so back to
the conversation.
How do I know if the relationship is serious enough, where couples can take it to the
next level—engagement?Well, I’m glad you asked.Before you can be physically intimate
with someone, you have to be mentally and spiritually connected.If all you have in
common with the opposite sex is sex, then all you have is sex without the intimacy. Two
people can have sex. Yet, the question arises: Is sex physical intimacy or is it just
physical?
Sex without intimacy is just a physical encounter, not a relationship.
In society, we view the term, physical intimacy as someone having sexual relations
or being sexual with someone because there is an exchange of emotions and bodily
fluids.However, couples can experience empty exchanges, where one feels empty, lonely,
unfulfilled, unloved, unwanted and undesired, even after sex. Wow! I thought that sex
was supposed to make me feel good and wanted. Well, here’s the deal.Ladies, let’s say
that you meet a young man who shows you the attention and affection you’re seeking, but
don’t give it to you. In other words, giving is aninward expression, whereas showing is an
outward expression.For example, he can buy you flowers, candy, cards, etc. as an
outward expression of showing that he loves you, but not necessarily meeting your
spiritual and emotional needs, which requires giving.Consequently, showing ignores the
thoughtfulness and consideration in which the woman longs for.Basically, he spends his
money on you, instead of the quality time that it takes to get to know you. Others would
say that he is not “into you.” He meets your wants, but not your needs.In other words,
you want flowers, gifts, pedicures, manicures, candy and dates, but those things are
tangible.They can be replaced.However, what about meeting your spiritual and emotional
needs?
Overall, women desire to be loved, cared for, appreciated, valued, and to feel
special. Consequently, he is showing the woman that he loves her, and she also desires to
feel needed. In the relationship, couples need to express love by showing and giving to
one another.You can endow your mate with gifts and also spend quality time and
affection with the person you love. Giving requires time, effort, energy, and
consideration. I’m talking about putting in the time that it takes to get to know someone,
for real.Aside from the gifts, candy, money and dates, a lady needs a man to be into her
and discover what type of person she really is.
Showing is an outward expression of love. Giving is an inward expression of love. You
need to have both to have a solid, healthy relationship.
Money cannot replace intimacy and cannot buy love. If someone had all the money
in the world, he still would be looking for love elsewhere because loving someone is
more of an inward expression than it is outward.We have to connect with our emotional
and spiritual side for real intimacy to take place.
We have confused intimacy with sex. This is why there are sexual perversions today.
We have many sexual partners because we have not realized that sex does not make a
relationship. Some of us focus on the good sex that we’ve had with our partner, but
cannot get along with him. We have our differences. We argue all the time. We disagree
about everything. We have completely different outlooks on our goals and dreams. We
then realize that the both of us are on two separate pages in the chapter of life. The
problem is that we have no bond or true intimacy in our relationship.When the sex is
over, women need someone whom they can talk to, and who will listen. Women need
someone whom they can laugh with, or cry with. Women desire someone who shares
common interests and similarities. Moreover, women want to be with someone whom
they can spend their lives with and learn from. These things are what intimacy is about.
When we have sex before developing intimacy, then all we have is just sex.Does this
make sense to you? Am I helping you discover what intimacy is really about? Let’s go
deeper into this topic, because intimacy requires us to go to a deeper level.
To be intimate with someone means you are so comfortable being around this person
that you expose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Intimacy requires a person to be
open-minded. Your mate will reveal secrets to someone that haven’t been revealed to
another person.Intimacy requires trust.Additionally, intimacy can reveal one’s
weaknesses.What are some issues that you find hard to get over? What are some things in
your life that you do repeatedly even though you know it does not feel right?Vulnerability
refers to openness and honesty, whereas, weakness refers to lack of control or discipline.
Vulnerability and weakness define real intimacy in a relationship.Without these two,
there can be no intimacy in the relationship and the couple will have a difficult time
staying together.The same reason God requires us to be intimate with Him is the same
reason we need to be intimate with our significant other.Intimacy draws us closer to God,
and draws us closer to our significant other.
Don’t reveal your weaknesses or vulnerabilities until you have complete trust in the other
person. Protect and guard your heart and don’t reveal too much too soon. Only reveal a
little bit of yourself at a time.
Here are a few scriptures that show us howintimacy allows us to connect with the
other person.Psalm 42:1 reads, “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul
for You, O God.” To pant means to long eagerly for something like you are desperate for
it.It also means to throb, labor or intensify your speed for something that you eagerly
desire and seek, likehow a deer pants for the water to quench his thirst or appetite.David,
the author of the book of Psalms, compares his thirst for God like a deer thirsts for
water.In other words, he is longing for intimacy with God because his soul needs
replenishing and his thirst for God needs to be quenched.He is longing for a connection,
bond and personal relationship with God. His soul yearns for the love of God, not
anything physical or tangible.He asks God for His Holy Spirit to reside in him, make
provision for him, and to renew his heart and mind. David is longing for spiritual
intimacy.
James 4:8 reads, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”This scripture
speaks in volumes, where we have a clearer understanding on the termintimacy.To draw
means to attract, to pull towards you, to sway someone else towards your side, to allure
someone else towards you and to cause someone to come in your direction. Therefore,
God will draw us to him, but to get closer to Him or more intimate with Him, then we
must pray, attend church regularly, meditate, fast, and read God’s Word.All of these
things require time and effort.Didn’t we just talk about time and effort earlier?
Time and effort both develop intimacy. If a man is spending time with you such as
talking to you on the phone, praying with you, taking you out on a dinner date, sending
you texts and emails, and doing other affectionate and meaningful things to get to know
you, then you will achieve the level of intimacy in your relationship.However, you must
do it on a regular basis to stay connected to the person you have been drawn to. Once a
person is drawn to you, it is harder for him to pull away because he is attracted to you.In
other words, now that you have connected with this person, a bond is formed and it is
harder for this bond to be broken. God is drawn to us because He cannot resist someone
who is showing Him affection, attention, love, and admiration. In addition, God is drawn
to someone who worships and praises Him. God does not turn away from anyone who is
drawn to Him. He will draw to us and grant us the desires of our heart. Again, the same
concept of intimacy with God applies in our relationships.
When we draw someone to us, this means a person propels the attraction and feels
obligated to be in an intimate relationship.Intimacy forces you to keep digging, searching,
and focusing until you have concluded that the person is “into you.” This makes the
relationship have a stronger bond, where you don’t want out. Consequently, many
relationships end because of irreconcilable differences and infidelity, which happen when
there is a spiritual and emotional disconnect. In other words, there is a lack of
communication. If you have difficulty relating to one another, resolving disputes and
respecting each other, then that means that your “fire” (intimacy), has gone out in the
relationship and needs to be rekindled.
A person who is drawn to you is least likely to leave you because there is a force within
him that makes him stay.That force is called intimacy, which means he is “into me.”
will help us put these principles into practice. What is intimacy? First, let’s take a closer
look at the word.In-ti-ma-cy translates to mean “in to me.”Do you see that? This is where
the person you’re dating is able to know your thoughts, feelings, goals, dreams, desires,
and so forth. In other words, he has an emotional and spiritual connection with you. Some
would say, “I’ve found my soul mate.” A soul mate is someone who you share
commonalities with and have the same beliefs and attitudes. Once you establish a mutual
liking towards one another, you are emotionally-bonded to the person you are “into” and
that emotional bonding attaches to your soul, thus forming a soul tie. Yes, we are going
to go there!
A marriage is a soul tie as the bible states that two shall become one. In other
words, two souls are linked together to become as one. Any relationships outside of
marriage, (fornication) and against God’s will (disobedience) is what I call an illegal soul
tie. Uh oh. It’s getting ready to get tight now. (I talk about illegal soul ties in my first
book, The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins) If God hasn’t put the two of you together, then
your relationship is illegal, meaning it is not ordained by God nor is itin His will. There
are so many relationships that are dissolving because people are tied to the wrong person.
Be careful who you link up to as linking up with the wrong person can break you
spiritually, emotionally and also physically.
Remember as children we played this game called Red Rover. There were two
teams comprised of ten or more people who would join hands, face each other and stand
in two lines. (This was played outdoors) Someone would go first and choose a person
who they thought was weak and fragile to charge through the opposite line from the one
you were standing in to break or separate those who were joined hands. You would say,
“red rover, red rover, send Tiffany right over”. Y’all remember that game? If you broke
through the joined hands in the circle, then those hands that you broke through were part
of your team. If you didn’t break through those hands that you tried to break through,
then they stayed in their line. You would do this until there were no more joined hands to
break through and there was a single line. Well, what’s my point? My point is that you
betta be locked or joined to another strong hand because if you aren’t, then the
relationship will break or fall apart. If you are connected to the right hand, then your
relationship will not be easily broken. As we go through this book, I hope you will shake
yourself loose from an illegal soul tie and allow God to tie you to the right one, which is
your soul mate. The tie has a knot in it, so you can’t easily take it apart. That’s the type
of relationship you should strive to obtain. Okay, we got a little sidetracked, so back to
the conversation.
How do I know if the relationship is serious enough, where couples can take it to the
next level—engagement?Well, I’m glad you asked.Before you can be physically intimate
with someone, you have to be mentally and spiritually connected.If all you have in
common with the opposite sex is sex, then all you have is sex without the intimacy. Two
people can have sex. Yet, the question arises: Is sex physical intimacy or is it just
physical?
Sex without intimacy is just a physical encounter, not a relationship.
In society, we view the term, physical intimacy as someone having sexual relations
or being sexual with someone because there is an exchange of emotions and bodily
fluids.However, couples can experience empty exchanges, where one feels empty, lonely,
unfulfilled, unloved, unwanted and undesired, even after sex. Wow! I thought that sex
was supposed to make me feel good and wanted. Well, here’s the deal.Ladies, let’s say
that you meet a young man who shows you the attention and affection you’re seeking, but
don’t give it to you. In other words, giving is aninward expression, whereas showing is an
outward expression.For example, he can buy you flowers, candy, cards, etc. as an
outward expression of showing that he loves you, but not necessarily meeting your
spiritual and emotional needs, which requires giving.Consequently, showing ignores the
thoughtfulness and consideration in which the woman longs for.Basically, he spends his
money on you, instead of the quality time that it takes to get to know you. Others would
say that he is not “into you.” He meets your wants, but not your needs.In other words,
you want flowers, gifts, pedicures, manicures, candy and dates, but those things are
tangible.They can be replaced.However, what about meeting your spiritual and emotional
needs?
Overall, women desire to be loved, cared for, appreciated, valued, and to feel
special. Consequently, he is showing the woman that he loves her, and she also desires to
feel needed. In the relationship, couples need to express love by showing and giving to
one another.You can endow your mate with gifts and also spend quality time and
affection with the person you love. Giving requires time, effort, energy, and
consideration. I’m talking about putting in the time that it takes to get to know someone,
for real.Aside from the gifts, candy, money and dates, a lady needs a man to be into her
and discover what type of person she really is.
Showing is an outward expression of love. Giving is an inward expression of love. You
need to have both to have a solid, healthy relationship.
Money cannot replace intimacy and cannot buy love. If someone had all the money
in the world, he still would be looking for love elsewhere because loving someone is
more of an inward expression than it is outward.We have to connect with our emotional
and spiritual side for real intimacy to take place.
We have confused intimacy with sex. This is why there are sexual perversions today.
We have many sexual partners because we have not realized that sex does not make a
relationship. Some of us focus on the good sex that we’ve had with our partner, but
cannot get along with him. We have our differences. We argue all the time. We disagree
about everything. We have completely different outlooks on our goals and dreams. We
then realize that the both of us are on two separate pages in the chapter of life. The
problem is that we have no bond or true intimacy in our relationship.When the sex is
over, women need someone whom they can talk to, and who will listen. Women need
someone whom they can laugh with, or cry with. Women desire someone who shares
common interests and similarities. Moreover, women want to be with someone whom
they can spend their lives with and learn from. These things are what intimacy is about.
When we have sex before developing intimacy, then all we have is just sex.Does this
make sense to you? Am I helping you discover what intimacy is really about? Let’s go
deeper into this topic, because intimacy requires us to go to a deeper level.
To be intimate with someone means you are so comfortable being around this person
that you expose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Intimacy requires a person to be
open-minded. Your mate will reveal secrets to someone that haven’t been revealed to
another person.Intimacy requires trust.Additionally, intimacy can reveal one’s
weaknesses.What are some issues that you find hard to get over? What are some things in
your life that you do repeatedly even though you know it does not feel right?Vulnerability
refers to openness and honesty, whereas, weakness refers to lack of control or discipline.
Vulnerability and weakness define real intimacy in a relationship.Without these two,
there can be no intimacy in the relationship and the couple will have a difficult time
staying together.The same reason God requires us to be intimate with Him is the same
reason we need to be intimate with our significant other.Intimacy draws us closer to God,
and draws us closer to our significant other.
Don’t reveal your weaknesses or vulnerabilities until you have complete trust in the other
person. Protect and guard your heart and don’t reveal too much too soon. Only reveal a
little bit of yourself at a time.
Here are a few scriptures that show us howintimacy allows us to connect with the
other person.Psalm 42:1 reads, “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul
for You, O God.” To pant means to long eagerly for something like you are desperate for
it.It also means to throb, labor or intensify your speed for something that you eagerly
desire and seek, likehow a deer pants for the water to quench his thirst or appetite.David,
the author of the book of Psalms, compares his thirst for God like a deer thirsts for
water.In other words, he is longing for intimacy with God because his soul needs
replenishing and his thirst for God needs to be quenched.He is longing for a connection,
bond and personal relationship with God. His soul yearns for the love of God, not
anything physical or tangible.He asks God for His Holy Spirit to reside in him, make
provision for him, and to renew his heart and mind. David is longing for spiritual
intimacy.
James 4:8 reads, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”This scripture
speaks in volumes, where we have a clearer understanding on the termintimacy.To draw
means to attract, to pull towards you, to sway someone else towards your side, to allure
someone else towards you and to cause someone to come in your direction. Therefore,
God will draw us to him, but to get closer to Him or more intimate with Him, then we
must pray, attend church regularly, meditate, fast, and read God’s Word.All of these
things require time and effort.Didn’t we just talk about time and effort earlier?
Time and effort both develop intimacy. If a man is spending time with you such as
talking to you on the phone, praying with you, taking you out on a dinner date, sending
you texts and emails, and doing other affectionate and meaningful things to get to know
you, then you will achieve the level of intimacy in your relationship.However, you must
do it on a regular basis to stay connected to the person you have been drawn to. Once a
person is drawn to you, it is harder for him to pull away because he is attracted to you.In
other words, now that you have connected with this person, a bond is formed and it is
harder for this bond to be broken. God is drawn to us because He cannot resist someone
who is showing Him affection, attention, love, and admiration. In addition, God is drawn
to someone who worships and praises Him. God does not turn away from anyone who is
drawn to Him. He will draw to us and grant us the desires of our heart. Again, the same
concept of intimacy with God applies in our relationships.
When we draw someone to us, this means a person propels the attraction and feels
obligated to be in an intimate relationship.Intimacy forces you to keep digging, searching,
and focusing until you have concluded that the person is “into you.” This makes the
relationship have a stronger bond, where you don’t want out. Consequently, many
relationships end because of irreconcilable differences and infidelity, which happen when
there is a spiritual and emotional disconnect. In other words, there is a lack of
communication. If you have difficulty relating to one another, resolving disputes and
respecting each other, then that means that your “fire” (intimacy), has gone out in the
relationship and needs to be rekindled.
A person who is drawn to you is least likely to leave you because there is a force within
him that makes him stay.That force is called intimacy, which means he is “into me.”
Doesn't that sound interesting? I've always wanted to know more about intimacy, especially in Bible contexts. Call me weird, but I'm not joking! It's always been something that has been bugging me for a long time especially intimacy in the current world. I was offered to review it, but I know for a fact that I won't be able to write this review well. Coupled that with the fact that school is extremely hectic, I decided to pass on it! Oh well, maybe I'll buy the book!
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